Coffee and donuts go together like beer and cigarettes. Both are great first thing in the morning. Donuts are the perfect accompaniment to a proper sedentary American lifestyle. They are a national symbol. Americans start the day with fried dough. Begin each morning with dessert, and you will feel what it is like to be a superpower. Maybe if the Vikings had eaten more fried dough and less pickled herring, Scandinavians would be doing more today than making cell phones and sitting in saunas. A visit to Rusty Brown's Ring Donuts is a sensory and sugar overload. Nobody can resist the heady smell as we plunge our batter deep into the hot fat. Don't listen to the right-wing media - it is not a sin to munch on a hot donut. Don't listen to the left-wing media talk about health. Our employees can't count change so why should you worry about counting calories? Indulge yourself. Lick off the sticky glaze. Eat out the chocolate. Stick your tongue in the middle. Let the Boston cream dribble down your chin. Gag as the thick custard hits the back of your throat. When you go downtown, make sure you enjoy a Rusty Brown's Ring Donut. Why lick lovingly outside? Get in there, champ! That hole is waiting for you.
		Pot-smoking Dutch settlers first brought the 'doughnut' to America, along with other sweet-tasting munchies and shoes made from trees. The locals loved the concept of deep-frying batter but felt that it wasn't quite fattening enough, so they added a sugar glaze to the end product and renamed it the 'donut' (it was thought that 'doughnut' had too many letters for the American market). For nearly 50 years, customers have been lining up to line their arteries at Rusty Brown's Ring Donuts. During the dot com explosion at the turn of the millennium, Rusty Brown's was one of the fastest-growing tech companies in the country and, when we floated onto the stock exchange in 1999, high sugar beat off high tech to become the best-performing IPO of the year. Ordering donuts on the Internet was a craze. We were making some serious dough until the sissy low-carb fad came along and nearly destroyed us. Luckily, we saw a hole in the market in East Asia and opened up franchises across China and Japan to turn them into fat slobs in no time. They love donuts over there! You'd get excited about fried cake if you'd lived on a diet of fish, rice and vegetables all your life. International expansion is the way forward. Redwood Cigarettes did it, so we are too. Developing nations, watch out! We are on a mission to take obesity global! Just think of a life with no more envelopes coming to your door begging for money for some emaciated, hungry child. We are on a mission!
		Can you imagine getting the calorific equivalent of a three-course family meal in one little fluffy ball of goodness? All our donuts are deep-fried in a special combination of butter, lard and oil. Each one contains 1,000 calories, 100 grams of trans fat, 100 grams of saturated fat and enough powdered sugar to make you feel like you just injected a speedball. The breakfast of champions! You will spend the first two hours of the day convinced that you are poised for world domination and the second two hours terrified that the world is out to get you. What goes up must come crashing down and, faster than you can say root canal, you will be waddling back to Rusty Brown's, desperately chasing that first high.
		Double Choc Whammy - 50 cents Fudge Packed Donuts - 70 cents Add a Caramel Injection for 5 cents! Just show your badge! No need to line up - come in the back door. Stop off at Rusty Brown's on your way to school and get 3 donuts for $1! Now available in a range of healthy fruit options (and when we say 'fruit', we mean brightly-colored fructose syrup, not any of that stuff that grows on trees).